I get asked a lot, “why does this keep happening to me?” “why do I keep getting stuck in bad relationships?” It seems that every relationship feels like a hamster wheel, and you just don’t know how to stop it. You try and try and try and round and round it goes. Same old story. Again. Exhausting.
You just want a relationship to go well.
You notice it in your romantic relationships. “I just want a nice person that will call me back.”
You notice it in your friendships. “I feel like I’m always being used.”
You even notice it in your family “I keep getting criticized for my choices but feel like I can’t say anything”
You notice it in your work life. “I can’t say no to this, I will have to fit it somewhere.”
Enter Boundaries.
You’ve been hearing this term “boundaries” for a while and you kind of get what it means but maybe not totally.
Boundaries are like a protective fence. They allow us to say who or what can come in or out, and they keep us from invading other people’s boundaries.
When we don’t have any fence, or door that is wide open with a sign saying Come on In!
We risk people coming and taking, stealing, or demanding from us. They steal your time, your energy, but worst of all… your self-respect.
Yeah, that was a tough one to read.
Boundaries are a form of self-respect. Healthy boundaries are taking responsibility and knowing you deserve basic equality and respect in any type of relationship.
When we start to respect ourselves and our boundaries, other people start to respect us as well.
“But if I start to say no, people are going to be mad at me and no one is going to like me….”
People are going to try and poke at you. Having boundaries doesn’t mean everything is easy breezy. Sometimes sticking to boundaries are really tough! Especially with those closest to us.
However, you are going to see how the right people will stick around and the wrong people will fade away.
You will see how you actually get support from others and what you give to others is going to be even better quality because you are not having the life drained from you anymore.
This is NOT the same as being entitled.
People just love that word, don’t they?
It is saying “Hey, I respect myself enough to know what I think is acceptable and unacceptable.”
“I would like you to respect that, please. If you don’t, let’s see if maybe you can understand why, or I’m going to kindly ask for you to leave.”
It is also, “I see you have things that you believe to be acceptable and unacceptable and I am going to respect that and not cross that line.”
We may not always agree but we can always be respectful, because we both deserve that.
It feels like the options are getting slimmer and slimmer. Everybody is pairing off and starting their happily ever after. While you are going through Bumble again just hoping you get a good one.
You go on a few dates and you try everything to make it work because you just don’t want to keep doing this anymore.
You have love blinders on. (I call them the fancier version of beer goggles)
You start to make up excuses or ignore the giant, bright red flag waving inches from your face.
“It’s ok that our date was cancelled at the last minute, again, for the third time, they were probably really busy.”
Working with me in therapy will help uncover those repeating patterns and begin to break the ongoing cycle.
Yes, sometimes that means digging into the past but for the sake of your present and your future.
I have a great quote on my wall from Rafiki from The Lion King and it is exactly how I view the past.
“The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”
Don’t worry, I won’t hit you with a stick to make my point or start singing about bananas. That would be concerning.
Relationships are tricky and maybe you are hearing, “just leave them” from all your friends. This makes you feel that they don’t understand because sometimes it isn’t that easy.
I understand relationships are complex and I want you to be able to talk through it all so you feel good about your choices, especially when considering staying or leaving a relationship.
I want to get you to a place where you feel confident in for what you are needing in a relationship and saying no or letting go to what is not good for you.
This may mean weeding through some not so great options but when you find that person who holds a deep respect for you and reciprocate that… now that is true love.
I hear a lot about feeling that they are in a one-sided relationship with some friends.
You drop everything you are doing to help them figure out a crisis. But when you need support, they are nowhere to be found.
You want to be a good friend and help but when it feels like it is only you putting in all the work, you end up feeling resentful and bitter.
You wonder what is the point of having friends if I end up getting hurt.
Sometimes you have those friends who are always taking from you. Your time, your money, your energy and making you feel guilty if you aren’t doing all those things for them.
Does the word toxic ring a bell?
You may fear that if I let these people go, that I will really be lonely.
Think of your social life as a jar. If you keep filling up with crap, there is NO room for the good stuff to get in.
You want a life with people who you mutually care for and feel supported by not filled with toxic, uneasy relationships.
I can help you establish boundaries that will let in those that are a right fit and learn to be assertive or to let go of friendships that are draining you.
This is a big one and probably the toughest, no sugar coating it here.
Our families are all we know growing up. We don’t fully get so see how other families function until we get a bit older.
You get some space, usually after high school, and you start to really recognize when things are not ok and not acceptable.
You know it feels painful when you see how your family may have manipulated you over the years. Maybe there was severe substance abuse or, more often, emotional abuse.
It is insidious because you were swimming in it for so long, just trying to keep your head above water became your normal.
You say, “but they are still my family, I have to be there, and I have to love them.”
Well, it is possible to work with this and around this.
It is finding a way to stick to your boundaries. This may interrupt things for a while but will illuminate what is best for you.
It sounds a little confusing, so let me explain.
Families are kind of like a see-saw. You go up and down but everything pretty much remains the same. You know the pattern.
Well setting boundaries is like putting more weight on one of the ends so it isn’t moving like usual.
The other side then is like, “Woah! What is happening? This is NOT how we operate!” That side will try to work it’s hardest by jumping, pushing, yelling, to get it back to normal, even if that normal was not good.
There are a few options here:
- You give in and it all goes back to where it was (not sticking to boundaries).
- A new normal forms with better boundaries
- You have to distance yourself from the see-saw for your own protection
Families come with a lot more baggage, but there are ways to have relationships that won’t destroy you in the process.
And, one of cool things of being an adult is that you can actually choose who you want as family.
You know the phrase, just because their blood doesn’t mean they’re family. Family are people who want you in their life, who love, accept, and support you and your boundaries.
Outside: “Yeah, I’d be happy to take that on.”
Inside: “…. What did I just do!? There is no way I can pull this off. I couldn’t say no. They will think I’m not a team player, that I’m not invested, and I will never move up in the company…… Where’s my coffee?”
You think you have to overwork to prove yourself. Running yourself ragged, working way outside normal hours is the only way to prove yourself.
Even if I try to say no, I will have to give a 5 paragraph essay in my email justifying why I can’t make it and then I will still feel guilty. Especially if all I get back from my manager is the dreaded, ‘Ok.’
Where do I draw the line but still be professional? I have heard about this assertiveness thing before but I don’t know.
Assertiveness is another boundary. It is a way of respecting your needs and capabilities.
Just like above, it is not entitlement, aggressive, or selfish.
It is about expressing your feelings and needs and communicating them to others in a respectful way.
An assertive answer to the scenario above may look like:
“I am grateful that you would like me to pick up this project, however, I don’t think I would have enough time right now to devote to it as I would like. Let’s see if we can find a comprise such as finding other employees to help or pushing this back until we have the time and resources it deserves.”
I can help you build up the courage to be assertive and practice this until it becomes second nature. Trusting and respecting yourself is terrifying at first but then extremely invigorating.